What Have I Done Lately?

Lately, there had been a lot of things going on in my life. This is not something positive that I usually write in this blog. Here goes..

First, I have a small problem with digestion. I cannot eat meat and have to eat less chicken and other stuff because my body cannot digest as good as those previous years. Sometimes I just throw up whatever I ate, it’s not something natural. To the extend detail, I can feel rice, or roti canai, or salad right on top of my stomach. Yes its true. I went to the doctor a couple of times and he told me I have gastric. But it seems to be more from what I know.

Second, I’m exhausted, I can’t feel the energy the way I use to bring in my life and my surrounding. One of the reason is that (I realized) I’ve been commuting from Taman Bidara, Selayang to Cyberjaya to work. And every time I got back, I felt drained out. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I constantly starve. This is due to no more meat in my body; I only ate veggies, and noodle-based food like kueh teow, curry noodle and others that I can eat. Sometimes I took the risk to have nasi lemak and roti canai because I miss those foods. So, when I got home, I tried to sleep and I can’t because I have to cook or heat the food from the fridge or some hot cup noodle. Even if I sleep, my body clock will automatically shut down somewhere around 3 a.m.

Third, I have insomnia. Last two days, I haven’t sleep. I just can’t. I’m hair wired. My face look all choked up. I think too much. The news about global warming bothers me. The racism in this country bothers me. A lot of things bother me. It’s seems hard to let go of what I had in my mind.

Forth, my mum. She can’t do things like she can do, and my dad also been busy looking for more business opportunity, as he just retired from the army as a retired Colonel. Both of them in some occasion travel overseas for education trip and courses. Both of them are 'not stable' (if you know what I mean). And almost every time they gone, we have to look after the kids. I got two rascals who are addicted to Animax at Astro TV. And my brother, Hafiz is an eating machine. He loves to eat very much and always play with his pencils and imagine space ships and Naruto fighting scenes. As a brother, I have to teach them how to behave how to speak proper, surf the net and ask to read online newspapers, watch National Geographic and stuff. Usually, we have a maid to take care of things, but due to a lot of con workers agency given us so much trouble sending the wrong maid each and every time, my parents have to put the maid application on hold. I have to hang clothes, wash the dishes before I go to work. I have to make sure my little sister eat her breakfast. I’m dreadfully tired.


Visual: A booklet layout design for MDeC

Fifth is my creative gesture. I seem to lack of it, not entirely but almost. I don’t draw like I used to. I haven’t been drawing after my website launch. No new artwork. What I manage to do is to came up with a face-lift of DMP logo, and as usual, the office work.

In fact, I don’t even have the time to touch my sketchbook. I use to remember, each day or week, there’s always something new from me. Having said that, it does not jeopardize my office work. I still manage to deliver and did a good work. But in some part of my “other” work, there are some ‘kueh teow’ work that I suppose to do for Dewan Bahasa & Pustaka was not really fluid because I’ve been through a lot of obstacle and unexpected demands from them. I'm also doing a lot of Research & Development to learn and get on this AJAX thingy which was introduce by my collegue, Fauzi (Madfozi) last year. Even Kris Khaira made me to think hard about what exactly Web 2.0 meant for designers. AJAX or Web 2.0, both had existed a decade ago, only they changed the 're-brand' and was 're-invent' back by the marketing people. My solution is that I should start drawing tonight. I hope I can able to do that. I also hope to find my article and my work that had been featured in Computer Arts Magazine (UK) which had been rapidly informed by industrial friends. I just hope I can find which issue.

Sixth, my pass relationship has once again haunted me. Recently, my ex lover (whom I contact for almost 2 years on & off) send some 'word' to get back here in Malaysia and to settle down with me.. but like I said, I lost my affection due to a lot of things happen around me and I decide to focus more important things in life, and I would felt like I will be used again. To be fall in a fantasy is something I can't imagine. I know that deep somewhere left in my hearth there's love for A, but it's not as easy it can show or tell. As much as happy I am to be able to have a wonderful relationship again with A, I know that I’m only taking a big risk to be hurt more deep, and I know it’s not going to last long. There are some terms I have to accept, and it bother me. It's a big risk, because if I take the wrong step, in some ways, not only I get hurt, I know that it will drag people who I close with and my family along. I know this is not a game, though all I can see is a throw of dice, and would never exactly know the numbers, only HOPE. Just hope that a suitable number, to guide a suitable path. Regardless both of us, would be getting along together very well, but it's not just that. There's plenty of issues need to be taken care of and you, A, must know it's not as easy to see things beyond your expectations, or manipulation. How can we ever go in like this? Isn't this too much to carry such burden?

Outro:
It’s about time I seek help from you guys, in a really constructive and positive way. I can’t cope and try to be positive when all the things around me start bothering me. I’m just so tired. Really dreadfully tired. It's even worst that I picked a self-help book and trying to adapt the idea of the author. Beat stress? Learn to relax? I wonder...

Here's something to cheer for


I love Drew Barrymore in her appearance in last year's Saturday Night Live.


_
when u love someone, why is it hard to let go or forget about it? some memories huh...