It’s 7 a.m. and I took my cigarettes. The fresh morning breeze chills my body and could barely see the beautiful sunrise, that’s what’s left of it. Another Miles Davis tune on my mind. I walk around the empty street inside this army camp I’m living now, for almost 6 years. No real connection towards the neighborhood except the ‘hi & bye’. People in this community, didn’t care who was around, as if it’s a culture for the ‘apartment-people’. ‘They’ just seems to be so ‘quiet’ but most people didn’t know that ‘they’ put up small gathering, which I call ‘Persatuan Bini-bini Askar Kepoh’ (Busybody Army’s Housewives Club) and before you knew, gossips and bad rumors about this family or that family spread and create disrespect and betrayal of a so call ‘housewife friendship’, worst of all, they fucking enjoying it. Why can’t they see it’s actually murdering people? Well, what the hell, today Malay Muslim never wanted to know the truth about the rights and wrong, they just enjoy watching people fighting each other to satisfy them. Thank God my mother works, I guess that’s one of the reason my mum never join them. Gracious God, I’m off the track again am I?
I should light up another cigarette. *smoking*. Now I should go inside and have a nice scramble eggs and nice tea for breakfast. No more rushing to work. I can now have morning sit-ups and enjoy hot sunbathing and swimming this afternoon, despite that I have tons of freelance works to settle.
So it’s a relationship, again?
I took step by step on that tightrope road ahead and this time I thought of starting a new ‘relationship’, again. Hopeless romance, what is love? I killed love long ago because I don’t fucking believe in such things. I hate to say ‘I love you’ to a people without understanding inside how deep and true is love. People say it must be along with rapture? Nah… rapture is different. It’s not like butterfly in your stomach experience from what I know. I hate to believe in love because it hurt me a lot. I have to deal so many ‘devastation’ and have to go beyond ‘therapy’ with my friends and family. I’m not a person not fill with love, in fact, FYI, my mother gave me the best affection for me to appreciate and care about other people, the one we love. It’s just that I hate at times I'm not be able to control myself and it’s too much for me to handle. I feel that having a relationship will create a border between my career, my focus in family, and most of all to myself, because there are no more space and time to spend. So what is control? Where will I put my own freedom?
I guess this heart ain’t very smart?
So Hard? – Pet Shop Boys
"Everybody's got to live together, Just to find a little peace of mind there
If you give up your affairs forever, I will give up mine, But it's hard, So hard
I'm always hoping you'll be faithful, But you're not, I suppose,
We've both given up smoking 'cause it's fatal
So whose matches are those? Tell me why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?"
You see, at 26, things don’t work, not just the way it is. In the Malay society, when you’re 26, you get freakin’ FAQ (Frequent Asked Question) about ‘when are you getting married, when are you going to settle down’. I always wanted to say right on their faces; ‘Bitch, none of your fucking business for you to know my future, now out of my face, move out of my life and start look after your fucking self and family instead’. At least that’s what I wanted to say so. But being in this very absolute ‘noble’ Malay culture, people can’t take honesty, especially harsh ones. The Malays can’t deal with direct opinion and comment. Seems to be so ‘Jawa’ (Javanese) that’s what my friend said. We must always give face and try to be as hypocrite as we can. I say that’s bullshit, but people also say you gotta stick in the game, and play it as if you’re acting it. That makes me a nice actor.
People who travel a lot will find new experience and their minds will be more open besides the opposite ones. So, the real question they should be asking was; “Will you be happy when you are married?” If a person do ask me that question, it will definitely caught my attention, and believe me, I would respect that person.
Why wouldn’t people think what will happen if we ever get married? Do we live happily ever after? Or do we have to go to court to settle our divorce case with our husband or wife who, the marriage only builds for 2-10 years? What’s the deal of getting married anyway? Do we married because we were forced, not based on our own love, our will and control? Do we always have to hear what they say?
Sometimes I wonder why, could this be just another fairy tale which I foresee not to believe? Dust and light seems to fade...
* not my last dance